I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to get impatient after her due date, but sure enough, on the day after, and the day after that I started to feel like I was ready to have the baby already. I felt the pressure from well meaning family and friends in their text messages “Today could be the day!,” not to mention my mom’s daily phone calls of “how are you feeling? Anything happening?” There were 6 days that passed, which I know isn’t very long to some people, but the anticipation of meeting this tiny person (we didn’t know the gender) made it feel like long enough. I went on long walks, ate spicy foods, did a few squats, nothing happened.
There was one day that I felt the baby’s movements considerably lessened, and I remembered reading somewhere that I shouldn’t hesitate to call my midwives if “your intuition tells you something’s wrong.” I wasn’t sure about my intuition but the next day I woke up after not feeling the baby move all night and I wanted to make sure he or she was ok. It was Wednesday, April 5th. I called my midwives office and Laura told me it was normal for babies to not move as much during the last weeks of pregnancy, which I knew, but she also told me I could come into the office so I could listen with the doppler. Jade drove me to the office and Laura was able to find the baby’s strong heartbeat, which was very reassuring. I was also worried that my water had broken and was slowly trickling out, leaving the baby in grave danger, which I probably only thought because of this horror homebirth story that I had found online when I was doing research in the beginning of my pregnancy. Anyways, Laura did a swab and nothing had leaked out. She even gave me my own swab to take home if I was worried about it again. Most importantly, she checked my cervix and gave it a “good massage” (good as in painful, but helpful). We went home and I spent the rest of the day doing some work, running around grocery shopping, and making delicious crock-pot Mac n’ Cheese. I wanted to go on a walk with my friend that afternoon, but by that time my back pain and cramping was tiring me out and I just wanted to stay home. I bought birthday cake delicious light ice cream and ate the whole pint, thinking it might be my baby’s birthday, my birth night.
Around 8 or 9 pm my contractions were noticeable enough that I could call them contractions, and they were not painful. We had just eaten dinner and were sitting around watching TV and I was thinking to myself, this could be the night! As we went to bed I opened my babybump app and the contraction timer that I was so excited to use. I remember my midwives telling me “the most important thing we will ever tell you is that if your labor begins at night, try to sleep through it because it might be the last bit of sleep you will get for awhile.”
I did sleep between and through my contractions for the most part all night. I timed them while I was awake until about midnight, then I called Laura and probably woke her up just to tell her my contractions were 7 to 8 minutes apart for 3 hours at least. She told me it was just early labor and to try to go back to sleep, and call her back if things got more intense or close together. I woke Jade up when I was on the phone with Laura, he came out of the room with his hair all disheveled and saying “what’s going on?” and I felt bad like I had hurt his feelings by calling the midwives first and not waking him up.
I had hoped to have the baby that night so that Laura would be the attending midwife at my birth, but when I woke up in the morning and my contractions were still 7-9 minutes apart, I knew nothing would be happening anytime soon. I got up around 7 and made some oatmeal and bounced on my birth ball while watching my favorite show at the moment, Grand Designs. It was a british HGTV type show. Nothing was that special about it, but one of the episodes featured a familywith a little pudgy red-haired baby named George, and he ended up being one of my labor coping techniques later on.
We had a check up that morning, my 41 week appointment. On the drive there I felt like maybe we should have stayed at home, but I was also happy to be getting out of the house after dealing with contractions in bed all night. Calista and Brandi were the midwives who met with us that morning. During the appointment I kept getting contractions that seemed much closer than the ones at home, but I wasn’t keeping time. They all said they were surprised that I came to my appointment. Before we went home they checked my cervix and said I was at 2 centimeters or so, which was discouraging for me, since I was at 1 centimeter the day before and I had been in what I thought was “labor” all night. They sent Jade and I home, advising me to try to eat a good meal, take a nap, and if I couldn’t sleep, a walk would be a good idea.
On the 30 minute drive home, I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. My contractions seemed to come really close together and being in the car in stop and go traffic intensified them. I remember being stuck behind this truck with a very excited German Shepherd in the back of the pickup and he was running back & forth, side to side very intensely. I felt his energy and started to feel a little trapped. There was no turning back now.
It was probably around 12:30 pm. Jade suggested we pick up brunch from a cafe near our house. I waited in the car while he went inside to order. My labor was definitely picking up, so much that I didn’t want to sit in the car. I stood outside the car and leaned on it for support during contractions. I must have looked distressed, since an older woman walking into the restaurant asked me if I needed some help. I told her I was just in early labor, no big deal. We stopped at the hardware store after that, and again I waited outside by the car. The parking lot was busy that day and there were 2 cute little mennonite kids walking by with their mom. I thought how soon I would have a child of my own.
We finally got home and sat down to eat our brunch. I got eggs benedict, my usual. It was very hard to eat during contractions, but I got about half of my meal down. Around this time I was getting very uncomfortable. We were watching the Grand Designs show, the episode with the pregnant couple building a house, and at the end of the episode baby George had arrived and was making me and Jade laugh with his decidedly British fat face. We kept rewinding the show to see his funny expressions. I remember reading about how laughing can make contractions easier. It was definitely true for me. After Grand Designs was over Jade put on Youtube videos of babies doing funny stuff. It really helped me to laugh and realize that what I was going through would bring us a cute little baby like the ones on TV.
All morning I had been texting my mom that things were starting, and I think by this time it was around 1:30 in the afternoon. Jade was timing my contractions at 2-3 minutes apart. I was on my hands and knees on the ottoman in our living room, that position seemed to help. I thought that since my contractions were so close together that must mean I was progressing really quickly to 10 cm. I thought maybe I would be one of those lucky first time moms who had 6 hour labors! Even though we had just been at the midwives office, I felt like a lot had happened in the short time since we left. I asked Jade to call Calista to let her know how close together my contractions were and ask her what to do. I think I was up in our bedroom at that point. He put the phone up to my ear and I remember weakly saying, “they’re so close together” to Calista. I think she told Jade to wait an hour and if the contractions remained 2-3 minutes apart to call her back and she would come over. She also told Jade it would be a good time to call the birth tub lady to come set up the tub. Jade called my mom and asked her to come over too.
When my mom showed up she brought a beautiful vase of flowers, and some of my favorite foods. I was hesitant about having her come, since it could still be hours and hours of labor, but I was glad she was there. Part of my anxiety about giving birth was that she would dominate over Jade when it came to giving me support. She was so eager and happy to be there to help me though, and I appreciated her. She suggested Jade help me walk outside on our deck, which overlooked the beautiful Humboldt Bay and Elk River Valley. It was a beautiful sunny day, but very windy. You could tell a storm was brewing. I felt warm so it was nice to walk on the windy deck. Jade held my hand as I leaned onto the deck railing during contractions. After a few minutes I felt chilled and ready to go back inside. Laboring on our bed in the room was one of the best places I could imagine to labor, sheltered from the wind but able to see the beautiful blue skies outside, the bay, and the wind rocking the big tree outside our window.
I had been in early labor for over 12 hours, but the active labor was just beginning. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with it too much longer because the continuous onslaught of contractions was beginning to wear me down. All the birth books I had read gave me the belief that labor started off slow, with contractions 10 minutes apart or so, then during active labor contractions were about 5 minutes apart, then at the very end the contractions were 2 minutes apart. But my contractions were 2 minutes apart now, and lasting at least a minute. I thought the baby might be here soon! But when Calista showed up I was devastated to learn that I was only 3.5 centimeters dilated. I felt cheated. My contractions so close together, so hard, and I was just beginning to dilate. Nothing in my birth studies had prepared me for this. But that is how birth is, full of unexpected challenges and triumph.
My sister showed up mid-afternoon. I had asked her to take pictures of my labor and birth. I remember her walking into the room and tentatively saying, “Hi, Bethany.” That was the way it was whenever a new person showed up during labor, they were cautious. I’m sure it was strange for everyone to see me like this. When Sarah got there I was laboring on the ball in our room. Jade was helping me cope by replaying the baby George scenes and making me laugh. I was excited to show Sarah how funny baby George was because I knew she would like him too. It was such a silly distraction, but it made me laugh which was good pain relief. Jade was making me laugh too, like he always does. My mom was full of good suggestions, like using the birth ball, walking outside, moving around and using Jade as a support to hang on during the contractions. I didn’t like all the different laboring positions that my mom and Calista suggested, like I hated sitting on the toilet, even though I know a lot of women enjoy that position for labor, as it helps them feel relaxed. But I thought the toilet was cold and uncomfortable.
I wanted desperately to get into the birth tub, but it took so so long to fill up. I kept asking Calista when I could get in, but she was hesitant since I wasn’t very dilated and she knew that the tub can sometimes make you relax too much and slow down your contractions, which hinders the progression of labor. She told me I could get into the hot shower instead. Jade hung out with me in the bathroom. I really enjoyed the alone times in the bathroom I had with Jade. I must have gotten in and out of the shower five or six times throughout the night. I would put my hands on the shower wall and let the hot, hot water run over my belly and back. The contractions would start in my low back, then wrap around my hips and upper thighs before taking over my belly and making it hard as a rock. I wouldn’t describe the contractions as painful, rather intense and overwhelming. It was so hard not to fight them. Once I felt one coming on I would start to take a deep inhalation and on the exhalation make these “Oooh, oooh” noises. I remembered from reading Ina May’s book that keeping your lips loose and flapping them like a horse could help keep your body loose too. That was probably the only helpful piece of labor advice that I used from all my reading. Everything else helped me feel confident going into labor, but I didn’t apply any techniques besides the lip flapping, which helped a lot. Taking long, slow breaths and keeping my noises low helped the contraction pass eventually.
It was very daunting to think of how much longer I could be in labor, how many more contractions I had to get through, so I tried to keep those thoughts from my mind. Everyone said, “Just take it one contraction at a time.” My mom said, “You can do anything for one minute!” I remember thinking and saying a few times, “This really sucks. This is really hard.” When I was in the shower one time I told Jade, “I wish I could go to the hospital and get an epidural. It hurts so bad.” He kept reminding me I was doing a great job and I wanted to give birth at home. Without his calm reassurance I’m sure I would have broken down and asked to go to the hospital for pain medication. I remember thinking many times, “How do women go through this again and again? This is awful. How do women have two or three or four kids?”
Time became irrelevant. It became dark outside. The storm picked up. At some point my dad showed up for support. I was sitting on the birth ball, leaning my face onto the bed, when he came into the room and put his hand on my back. He told me my cousin Olivia texted him from Washington DC saying I was in her prayers. I was having a contraction at the time and didn’t respond to him. He repeated, “You know, your cousin, Olivia?” It was really sweet how he was supporting me, but he didn’t know why I wasn’t responding. Someone told him I was having a contraction. He seemed to feel out of place and awkward because he was so concerned about me. He tried to tell me a corny joke but I didn’t really get it. I know he was really worried because I was not giving birth in a hospital.
At some point my mom was telling me corny jokes and walking me around the kitchen. Calista asked me to put one foot on the step during a contraction, then put my other foot on the step during the next contraction. I walked around the kitchen and living room with my mom supporting me, and every time we walked through the kitchen I grabbed a dried mango slice from the bag she brought over. My sister got a great picture of my mom walking with me, holding onto my arm with a huge smile on her face. I looked pretty miserable. She was so happy to support me. For some of the labor I was on my hands and knees on the ottoman, my face pressed against the brown suede. Jade held my hands, always.
One of my favorite parts of labor was when Jade and I were alone in our bedroom. I think it was early evening because it was still light outside. We laid together on the bed, snuggling. I kissed him deeply during my contractions. I read that in Ina May’s book, how kissing your loved one could help take the pain away. It really did help. It was wonderful to gaze into his eyes and see so much love and pride, and smile at him, knowing that soon our family of two would become three. It was wild to realize that it was actually happening now, this day that we had talked about for so long. It was happening and it was very hard for both of us, but we had each other and we loved each other so much.
I don’t remember when but I finally got my body into the tub. It felt SO amazing. It really was like a home epidural. It was hot and relaxing. It was a little too hot, perhaps, because I soon asked for a cold washcloth on my forehead and my mom started fanning me with a big handheld mirror that was intended to help me see the baby crowning, but it never got used for that. Contractions in the tub were a lot more manageable. I wanted to stay in there forever. Calista checked my cervix while I was in the tub and I was only 6.5 centimeters. It had been 8 hours or so since my initial exam. I was pretty disheartened. She told me she was going to use her hands to help stretch my cervix, which was torturous. I felt a dull ache in my low abdomen as her hands pushed and stretched my cervix underneath. She was assisting my body but I hated it. Eventually she told me I had to get out of the tub because my contractions were spacing apart. I hated getting out. I was allowed to get into the shower and I asked Jade to squeeze the birth ball into the bathtub so I could sit on it in the shower. It must have been late at night by then. Calista kept giving me drops of this tincture that was supposed to intensify my contractions while also allowing me to rest more in between them. I was back in the tub and I was able to close my eyes and almost doze for the two or three minutes between surges. I was getting really tired, I just wanted labor to pause so I could take a nap for an hour. If only. Calista said I was on a boat that I couldn’t get off of until we got to the shore.
I was in the tub, trying to relax my body as much as possible when Calista said she thought she should break my waters. She thought it would help speed things along since I was getting so exhausted. I was resistant because I thought it might hurt and it was not natural, and it would probably make the contractions more intense, but I agreed. I remember everyone in the room, especially Jade, being in agreeance, and so I basically had to agree. I hated whenever Calista checked me, especially if it was during a contraction. Being on my back was the most uncomfortable position. I got out of the tub and onto the bed so she could break my waters. Jade was on the bed next to me, somewhat holding my hand for support, somewhat holding me down. She stretched my cervix again, I was closing my thighs to protect myself. I wanted to kick her off the bed. But surprisingly my waters breaking didn’t hurt. Even though I knew from reading stories that on the tip of one of the fingers of her glove there was a sharp thing that she pricked my amniotic sac with. I just felt a warm gush, there was clear fluid all over the pads, and it was done.
After that I was back in the tub again, Jade had gone to rest for a bit and my mom was sitting behind me outside the tub. I remember getting slammed by three contractions in a row that were only 30 seconds apart. I asked Calista if this was transition. I remember reading that during transition women couldn’t often talk, they were throwing up, they were in another place. I felt blindsided but also very aware that my contractions had been so dependable up until then, when out of nowhere they came so fast one after another after another. Knowing I was in transition made me feel somewhat relieved, I would be at 10 cm soon!
Jade came back from his nap and I told him what happened. They were so close together, I said. I started to feel a pressure on my perineum like I had a baby’s head pressing up against me trying to come out. This is what everyone describes as pooping out a bowling ball. I knew I was close. I told everyone that I felt like I wanted to push. I think Calista told me it wasn’t time yet. I no longer wanted to sit on my butt because the tub was on the wood floor and I felt like I was sitting on my baby’s head. But other positions didn’t feel as comfortable during contractions like sitting down with my legs spread apart, leaning back against the tub wall with my arms spread out supported by pillows and someone behind me. I tried sitting with my knees pointing away from each other, relaxed down so my vagina was close to the tub floor and it felt wide open for the baby’s exit. All of the sudden when Calista checked the baby’s heart tones with the doppler, they sounded so much slower than usual. She noticed right away that the heart rate was low and she said I had to get out of the tub so she could check me. I'm not sure if she said that because she actually needed to check me, or if she said that so I wouldn't panic like I would if she said the baby's heart was was dangerously low. I was put on the bed on my back and Jade held my arm while Calista stuck her hand way up in me and felt how open I was. She said I was at 10 cm but she had to push my cervix out of the way. This was the worst time yet. Jade was holding me down because I was so resistant. I hate this, this fucking sucks, I said. I scooted away from her on the bed, I felt like a tortured animal. It would have hurt so much less and been so much easier if I had accepted and embraced the pain. She tried to push my cervix over over the baby's head but it was too tight. She took her hand out and said “Bethany, you need to let me do this, your baby’s heart rate is too low and I need to help the baby. I’m going to push really hard and it’s going to hurt but you have to let me do this. Relax.” I tried to let go as much as possible. I whimpered when she shoved her hand deep into me and jammed it against my inside. After I don’t know how long, she took her hand out and told me to get on my hands and knees. She told me if this didn’t help the baby’s heart rate to come up we would need to transfer, which is a nice way of saying that we would need to go to the hospital because it was an emergency.
She took an oxygen tank out of her bag and put the mask on me. I was starting to get scared about what was happening, why was I wearing an oxygen mask. I remembered my grandma in the hospital with COPD, wearing a mask like that, only she looked like a warrior to me, and I felt like a scared animal breathing franticly. I looked at Jade with big eyes. In all my imagining about my birth I did not consider this scenario. I did not know if our baby’s life was in danger, if this birth could be going terribly wrong. I couldn’t do anything except for breath, focus on getting the oxygen into my body, to my baby. I remember my mom saying “oh yeah, deep breaths, that’s the good stuff,” trying to help me calm down. I could see through it, just kept breathing deep breaths.
Calista checked the heart tones again and we could hear they were faster. “Good,” she said, “much better.” She didn’t take the mask off my face. I could feel my body wanting to push. I told her, but she said we had to wait until the other midwife got here. I remained on my hands and knees and tried not to push. It is SO hard to try NOT to push when everything inside you and your uterus is literally trying push something out. My baby and I were ready to go but the 2nd midwife wasn’t there yet, she was on her way from Trinidad to Eureka they told me. I knew that was a fucking long ways, I couldn’t hold the baby in until then!
I was just trying to breath through every contraction...I could hear my dad and sister opening the front door to scan the street for her car approaching. Finally the 2nd midwife arrived. I heard her walk up the stairs to our room. I couldn’t feel anger only relief that I could finally push. They laid me on my back propped up on some pillows on the bed. “Push!” they said. I tried pushing but suddenly I realized, I didn’t know how to push. “Push! Are you pushing?!” They said. “I don’t know how to push!” My midwives moved me onto my hands and knees and my midwife Calista told me to push like I was going poop and just take a deep breath and push as hard as I could. She put her finger in my rectum to show me where to push and that really helped me understand. In birth there is no modesty or shame, at this point I was completely naked and just trying to get the baby out.
I took a deep breath and used that pressure to push as hard as I could. At some point my force succumbed to this incredibly stronger force that I wasn’t even in control of- my uterus. It was the most incredible feeling to let my uterus- the contraction- take over, and to feel the baby moving down my birth canal. I was doing it! At the end of the first few pushes I let out these wild screams, not out of pain as much as exertion. They told me to try to keep the noise in and to use that as even more power for my push. I did what they said and it helped. I felt the baby continue to move down and I knew the head was getting close. I asked if I could reach down and feel the top of the baby’s head. I felt a squishy softness when I reached down between my legs. I asked everyone if they could see if the baby had hair and what color it was. They said it was dark.
I tried to keep all my noises in, except when the baby started crowning. I felt that burning, stretching, scary feeling and I thought my vagina was tearing like I know happens sometimes during birth. I knew I had to push past that and get the baby out. I screame. I heard my midwife say, “It’s ok!” And I believed her. I felt her hands around my vagina, supporting my skin to help prevent tearing. “There’s that baby head,” Calista said. My mom said, “You can do anything Bethany! You’re doing it!” My little sister was also in the room, saying “Good job Bethany!” I could hear fear & excitement in my family’s voices.
I heard Jade say, “Oh babe,” and his voice was trembling as he saw her head come out. He later said that it was not purple, but black. Dark & almost dead-looking. I was still on my hands and knees and I looked back between my knees and some brown liquid dripping onto the white pad. “What’s that” I said, “is that meconium?” My midwife said yes. The baby’s head was completely out. I learned later that the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck so tightly that the midwife had a hard time getting it off, but she eventually was successful.
I had read about shoulder dystocia & was afraid of her shoulders getting stuck now that her head was out. My midwives suggested that I get in a reclined position to push the baby the rest of the way out. I just listened to what they said and tried to get from my hands and knees onto my back without sitting on the babies head. Everyone helped me get into a good position and then I gave a few more good pushes. Again, my uterus did most of the work for me and I was in awe of the power my body was exerting to get the baby out through the birth canal. On the last push, she shot out with splash into my midwife’s arms. I felt the baby plopped immediately onto my belly and my eyes were closed, just soaking in the incredible relief. The baby was out. I did it! It was over! Finally.
My first words were, “What is it? Jade?” He said, “it’s your little girl.” I knew it!
The baby still hadn’t cried or made any noise in my midwives were busy rubbing her body with a towel and listening for her heartbeat. One of them said, “talk to your baby.” I didn’t understand why she felt the need to say that, but I started talking to my baby girl.
“Hi, baby!” I said. “I knew you were a girl!”Everyone laughed but there was still a nervousness in the room.
One of my midwives grabbed the baby and put a suction cup on her face and I watched in blind bliss and she tried to get the baby to start breathing. Three minutes after she was born, our baby finally made some muffled, yet very much alive, cries. I was never afraid but I later learned that everyone else was. It was a life or death situation and i’m so grateful that my midwives know what to do to help our baby.
Darlene Olivia was born at 3:09 am weighing 8 lbs 9 oz and she was 21” long. My family went home shortly after Jade cut the cord, and my midwives left a few hours later. I did hemorrhage after I birthed the placenta but they gave me Pitocin and my bleeding stopped. After everyone was gone it was just me, Jade and baby Darlene snuggled up in bed together. The dawn was breaking and I was so blissed out I could hardly fall asleep. I just stared at our brand new baby laying next to her daddy and my heart felt so full.
We had a perfect first day together as a family and we just lay around the house together and I was still bleeding heavily so I just sat on pads and baby Darlene slept. I still hadn’t showered I was just exhausted & sore. The night came and we were getting ready for bed when Darlene started crying & Jade thought she wasn’t breathing right. I thought she was ok but we texted the midwife about it. Then I passed a bloody clot the size of softball, a little mini placenta, and we knew that wasn’t right.
Our midwife came back to our house around 9 pm and gave me some medicine to help my uterus contract in case there was any more tissues to pass. It was a good thing she came over because then she listen to Darlene's lungs and she said they didn’t sound good, they sounded wet. Our midwife called her pediatrician consultant & based on the circumstances of the birth, the meconium & cord around the neck, we should go to the hospital to get an X-ray to be sure there was no meconium in her lungs.
Suddenly our perfect first day with our daughter turned into every parent’s worst nightmare. We loaded her up for the first time in her car seat that seemed so gigantic for her tiny fragile body. Her first car ride was a frantic one to the hospital, I sat in the backseat with Darlene while Jade drove as quickly as he could. Jade asked me if she was still breathing on the ride to the hospital. I couldn’t hear her breath. I could hardly see her little face in the dark. I turned my phone flashlight on so I could see if her chest was rising and falling. It was barely perceptible. So many scary thoughts were going through my head but I thought it would all be ok if we could just make it to the emergency room.
When we walked into the ER our midwife was already at the front counter. Once we got there and told them we had an 18 hour old baby with respiratory distress, they got us right in. We were taken to an exam room, and suddenly there was the head ER doctor, several nurses and what seemed like a bunch of nursing students all in the room together taking notes and observing this brand new human.
The head ER doctor was very short with our midwife and seemed look down on us for choosing to have a Home birth and not a hospital birth. Even though my midwives were licensed by the state of California, the ER doctor was very harsh towards her. The head pediatrician was a kind man though. When he entered the room, I was sitting in a wheelchair holding my little bundle. He listened to her lungs & said along with an X-ray, they would need to keep her in the NICU under observation for at least 48 hours. At that moment, Darlene started crying, and I broke down too. All the tears that hadn’t come, came then. We wouldn’t be going home with our baby. She had to stay in the hospital, get exposed to radiation & antibiotics, IV’s, we wouldn’t even sleep next to her for the first night of her life. Of course we wanted her to be safe & get help, but it was heartbreaking. Seeing her little body on the X-ray table, numbly listening to them tell us, “you may want to exit the room because of the radiation.” I stepped out the room and immediately regretted not staying by my daughter’s side when they x-rayed her lungs. My tiny 18-hour-old baby. It hurt so much, the fear & unknowing.
They took me in a wheelchair, holding Darlene, to the NICU. I cried the whole way, becoming hysterical. Jade tried to comfort me but I was inconsolable. The whole experience was quite traumatic for us, not knowing how sick our baby could be.
When we got to the NICU, the nurses were so gentle and sweet. They understood I had just birthed a baby so I also felt weak & emotional. I hadn’t slept or showered at all so I was a mess.
When they laid Darlene in the little pod under the light, Jade stayed in the room with her while they got her IV started, and my midwife took me next door to the room we would be staying in. She checked in with me & tried to tell me this was not my fault. Nothing I did during labor caused this, she said. It was so hard not to blame myself though. She said sometimes babies just need extra time & help to clear that fluid out of their lungs. The main fear was that meconium entered her lungs, which could be dangerous, which is why they took an x-ray. But the best case scenario was called TTN, transient tachypnea of the newborn, which just means extra fluid in the lungs after birth. My midwife said the exact same thing happened with her first born son- home birth, then hospital for TTN. She said he was now a thriving 16-year-old & perfectly healthy. That made me feel hopeful. It was all just so sudden & frightening. But I had to remember, my baby wanted to live. She would fight.
The first night we slept next door to the NICU, we were so broken hearted & scared, just trying to get some sleep, and we could hear Darlene on the other side of the wall crying. It was terrible. I went into the NICU in the middle of the night to try to nurse her, but neither one of us had quite figured it out yet.
All of the nurses were so sweet & helped us figure out nursing. Over the next couple days, I held Darlene as much as possible, skin to skin, even with all of her monitors & IV’s & cords. All of the nurses & my mom helped us figure out nursing too. By the time we were cleared to go home on Monday, we were pretty good at nursing! That is one good thing that came from the hospital stay, lots of breastfeeding support.
Darlene was diagnosed with TTN, no infection, no meconium. It was the best case scenario. Aside from being a traumatic experience, it was the best outcome imaginable. I’m still healing from the trauma, and I think writing about it helps. I had imagined the perfect home birth, all-natural & blissful, and it was. I rocked my birth. I’m so proud of myself. But it was also very scary at times. And the unexpected curveball of the NICU stay.
Birth never goes as planned, that I know. I learned so much about my endurance, strength, and weaknesses. I resisted the process at times, forgetting what all the hard work was for! I look forward to my next birth and hope that I will embrace the waves. Because the end result is truly worth it all.
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