The other day I set out with my daughter, Darlene, on a walk to one of our favorite wildlife sanctuaries. I had the intention of doing two things: spending quality time with my daughter in nature, and capturing photos of us in some of our prettiest clothes and accessories from slow fashion brands and small shops. Darlene, being only 2 years old, had no idea about my photography goals, she only knew we were going on a walk with the stroller and her stuffed monkey. She rode in the stroller with Monkey and chattered happily as we made the short walk to the marsh.
We walked a little ways until we found some pretty white flowers growing along the sides of the trail. The golden grass and tall Queen Anne's Lace lining the path were breathtaking to me, and a feeling of nostalgia swept over me as I remembered many other northern California Augusts from years past, admiring those soft white flowers during the golden hours of late summer. This scene was exactly where I wanted to take some photos of my daughter and I.
While Darlene was busy running at full speed up and down the path, I got my tripod out from the stroller and set it up in a couple differed spots, tinkering with the adjustments on the tripod as well as my camera, until I found the perspective, aperture and shutter speed that was best. I set my camera to take ten photos in a row after a ten second timer, pressed the shutter button, and hurried into the frame to get ready for the photos.
I felt outrageously silly, being in a public setting (luckily no other walkers had passed by at that point), and I wasn't even a real "photographer," just a mom taking pictures of herself and her child. I mean, isn't that a bit narcissistic? But then again, what is it about having a professional photographer behind the camera that makes the situation any more normal? Around this time, an old man passed by and I moved my tripod to the side to allow him through. He asked me, "Getting any good pictures of birds?" I winced internally. "Yeah, maybe!" I said.
For the next 20 minutes, I kept running back and forth on either side of the camera. Since I don't have a remote, I need to manually press the shutter button every time I want another round of ten photos. Meanwhile, Darlene was engrossed in smelling the flowers, running everywhere, and generally resisting every time I tried to pick her up for some posed "serene mother holding daughter" photos. So instead, I went with Darlene's lead, and knelt down next to her to smell some flowers, then some other flowers, then some other flowers. Darlene's sense of wonder and joy was contagious, and I enjoyed the time we spent marveling about the flowers and the birds flying overhead. But simultaneously, I was not fully physically or mentally present, as I was taking pictures, adjusting the camera and tripod, then running back into the frame, etc.
At one point, Darlene wanted me to chase her like I always do, and I captured some cute photos of us in our element, even if just for a moment. Eventually we moved to another location close by, and I knew that the second location was going to make for even better pictures than the first! Darlene picked a couple flowers and offered one to me, asking me to smell it and snuggling up against my chest so sweetly. And there were some amazing pictures recording those moments between us. All this while though, little twinges of guilt were coursing through me, and I wondered, why am I doing this right now?
Am I doing this to get beautiful photos with my daughter, to capture her at this age, on this day, a day that we'll never get back again?
Am I doing this to post it to my Instagram and get likes and validation and to be seen by the brands we are wearing?
Am I doing this to create content for my blog and "build my brand?"
Am I doing this to have fun with my daughter?
Is it a combination of all of the above?
Are my motives wrong, cheap or in-genuine?
After our photoshoot/walk, as we walked home, I felt grateful that we had gotten out of the house for a couple hours instead of sitting on the couch and watching TV. Soon after we got home, I popped my memory card into my computer to upload the photos, over 300 of them! Although I knew many of them were going to be deleted, I hoped that some gems were in there. The downloading took a long time on my slow laptop, and the time it took for google photos to pick up the images and let me access them from my phone took even longer. I decided to forget about editing any photos that night. I would work on them over the next few days. Jade got home from work around this time, and we ate dinner together with Darlene. Then we watched a show together and put Darlene to bed. Although I knew Darlene had had a great time with me that evening, I couldn't help wondering if the experience would have been more special without a camera.
It's something I've struggled with for quite a few years with photography: trying to capture amazing moments with a camera versus just BEING in the moment sans camera, and risking forgetting the moment later on. Since I have such a poor memory, photos from years past immerse me back into moments that would have long since faded away for me. And with the advent of smart phones and crystal clear iphonography, every day moments are easier than ever to bottle up. But is watching a moment through your phone screen while you're recording it, really the same? Is it ok to sacrifice just a *little bit* of presence for the sake of storing that moment to watch over and over again in the future?
I know I'm rambling on way too much, so if you've made it this far, I appreciate you taking the time!
Even more of a time-sucker and presence-thief than cameras and iphonography are just The Phones in general. I feel like if I'm not using it for social media, I'm either editing photos in Lightroom, texting family or friends, texting about work, checking my finances, checking my credit score, checking my email, checking the weather, checking my home security, scrolling back through my camera roll, listening to a podcast...The Phones are NON STOP. I say that as one of the guiltiest parties there are. No judgement here! It's become bad for me, and Jade has mentioned it more than a few times. Even Darlene (angelic, innocent Darlene) has told me, as she's trying to play with me: "mama, put your phone down!" Ouch.
And so, I've come to the conclusion that I need to establish business hours with my phone, and probably just extend that to my laptop too! As long as I am using social media and blogging as business, I need to treat it as such and set up hours within which I will conduct that business. Seems simple, right? I should have done this So. Long. Ago.
Even if I take care of the phone problem, there's still the issue of photos. And I haven't found a clear answer about that. I believe that we can live creative, beautiful, fulfilling lives and never once take photos or post on social media. I also believe that you can share about your life via social media and find deep, real connections with a few people, and even become amazing, supportive friends in real life! I've actually had that happen a couple of times when a few "insta friends" from other parts of the US moved to my hometown! On the flip side, I also know that theres tons of malicious people who use social media to spread hate, to bully and to do much, much worse.
Since I do choose to use social media to share about the best parts (and some of the struggles) in my life, I know it's important to set boundaries. And it's tough to not see every pretty moment as a photo op. It's important for me to let some of those moments pass by, taking only a mental picture. And it's important for all of us to avoid comparisons between someone's instagram feed and our real lives. Nobody's house is spotless all the time. Everybody has lost their temper with their family. Everyone has bad days where they watch way too much tv and accomplish next to nothing.
But it's in those everyday moments that you deem worthy of sharing--or maybe it's a orchestrated photo shoot, or that one corner of your house that is clean and so you share it because that makes you happy, or you hope that it might give someone inspiration or hope--tiny moments from the big picture, usually the nicest moments, moments you can string together and draw joy from, those are good moments to share with others. Or to keep to yourself. But just remembering them is good, I think.
I want to wrap this up by welcoming thoughts from anyone who has read this, who has some of the same worries, or has gone through this before! We're all on our own journeys and I'd love to hear your experiences with balancing social media and photo-taking and writing/blogging/journaling with real life and present moments.
Thanks for taking the time to read, and much love,
Bethany
